I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
