Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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