He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
