totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
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