I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
