I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
