You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
