I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
