the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
