On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
