my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
