Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
