It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
