So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
