No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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