I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
