Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Verdict: uncircumcised.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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