Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
