she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
