Will you blow on my dice?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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