nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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