I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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