Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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