thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
