WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you didnt know i had herpes?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
