tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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