last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
