My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
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My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked