apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want her autograph on my taint
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.