If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed