I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
