We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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