just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The adults are the big ones right?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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