I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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