I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
