someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
