and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
