just come out here and I will go home with you...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
