i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
