how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
