If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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