please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
