someone threw a dead crab at me
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
