Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
