Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
