My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
