rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
