I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
