I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
