hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
