Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
