where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Randomize
