Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
