Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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