you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
