Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
