And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
