I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
