Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
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This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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