Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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