y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
