Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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