Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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