i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
